Thursday, September 27, 2012

… In A Hopeless Place

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This, it could go on forever.
– Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

It has been said that fairy tales are nothing more than lies we tell our children so they won't have nightmares when they go to sleep. I guess it should come as no surprise then that my “happily ever after” came to an end 3 months to the day that it had begun.

Today it’s been 2 months since we broke up. It all still seems so unreal to me. No matter how many times I go over it, I still struggle to comprehend how something that started out so perfectly came to such an untimely end.  I could go on and recount the unravelling of my fairy tale in the most intimate detail, and probably fill page upon page in doing so. But because I respect the man that stole my heart – and because I do believe some things should remain private – I won’t do that.

As two people who care about each other a great deal, we decided to remain friends. But what at first seemed like the most logical thing to do, pretty soon proved to be much more complicated than we had anticipated. I guess I am mostly to blame for this. I was naïve to think that I could go from being someone’s partner and lover to simply being their friend overnight. Because as hard as I tried (and wanted) to be the friend that he needed, I couldn’t keep myself from hoping that we could go back to the way things were.

As much as I respect the reason for our breakup, I’m also human. And the heart wants what it wants. Over a very short period of time I had fallen head over heels for this guy. He came into my life most unexpectedly and changed my life completely. I had lived on my own for so long, that even I had started to doubt whether I would be able to share my life with someone else. Yet he came and washed away any doubt I had. He proved that I’m able to love someone so completely and selflessly, that now – looking back – I almost find it scary. He became the centre of my universe, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. No price too high to pay to ensure his happiness. Because when he was happy, I was happy. And no matter how messed up any other aspect of my life was, all seemed right in the world when he smiled at me.

After 6 weeks of going back and forth it was time to face the truth however. I wasn’t capable of being just his friend. Not so soon. While he believed that if we’re meant to be we would find our way back to each other , I had a much harder time simply leaving everything to fate. You see, I had been so scared that if I let him go he might never come back to me. And I didn’t know if I would be able to cope with that. Because I didn’t know how to exist in a world where “we” didn’t.

It pained me to admit it, but he was right – we needed a clean break. Time to heal and find ourselves again. If we were to simply continue down the same road we had for those 6 weeks, there would eventually be nothing left of what had been good, pure and magical about what we had shared. And I certainly didn’t want to tarnish the beautiful memories we had made in our short time together.

I don’t regret anything. Our relationship proved to be one of so many firsts for me. While I had originally intended to wait a couple of months before telling my parents that I was in a relationship, they ended up finding about him by coincidence on my birthday. And I’m glad that it happened, because after that I could work him into our conversations and help them see that I was living a perfectly healthy life like any man my age. Just last year my mom had been mortified at the thought that I would want to bring another man under their roof. And within 2 months of finding out that I was seeing someone, she invited him along for a weekend away at the beach. I have no doubt that it took a lot for my mom to be able to do that. But I believe she saw that I was truly happy, and that must’ve given her some reassurance that everything might just be OK. And I have him to thank for that.

Does this mean that I’m over him? No. Not by a long shot. We might have found love in what turned out to be a hopeless place. And we might not be able to be together right now. But I still believe that he’s the man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I believe that with every fibre of my being, even if he can’t see or feel that. And while many would call it nothing more than a fool’s hope, it’s all I’ve got right now. That, and the knowledge that nothing worth having ever came easy.  Winston Churchill said that you should never give up on anything that you can’t go a day without thinking about. I couldn’t agree more.

At the end of the day, what kind of hopeless romantic would I be if I didn’t fight for what I believe in? If I didn't fight for the one thing I’ve spent the biggest part of my adult life longing for?

True love.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

We Found Love ...

I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all.
You climbed my walls.
- Lady Antebellum,
Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Looking back, 2011 had been anything but an easy year for me. So when 2012 rolled around I was hopeful that it would prove to be a year of great potential in every aspect of life. And that hope seemed to come to fruition when I got to kick off my year with an unforgettable holiday in Mozambique with 3 amazing people who have since become 3 of my closest friends. Many deep conversations and life lessons were shared over the course of that week. And upon our return to South Africa I made the decision that I would no longer actively pursue love. While I would remain open to the possibility and still go on dates when presented with the opportunity, I had found comfort in knowing that love would find me when the time was right.

After much encouragement, I had also finally entered the world of online dating. This proved to be interesting to say the least, and I could write a number of entries based solely on those experiences. But suffice it to say that a couple of dates later I was already contemplating abandoning the concept all together, due to the fact that I had found very little substance in any of these new found “friendships”. I decided however to keep my profile active and keep an open mind.

One sunny day in April I logged on again to check whether I had received any new messages. But before I even got to my inbox, one specific guy’s profile caught my eye on the homepage. I read his short bio and found it refreshing. And while I found myself intrigued, it also dawned on me that this wasn’t the first time I had found myself taken with someone’s profile only to be disappointed in the long run. I decided however to go out on a limb once more, and after exchanging a couple of messages we finally progressed to e-mails. In an era where many of us had grown accustomed to communicating via cellphone applications like BlackBerry Messenger, WhatsApp and iMessage, there was a certain old worldly charm to exchanging e-mails. He was positively charming, and I soon found myself anticipating the arrival of every e-mail.

Eventually we agreed to meet up for coffee, and only one day later I found myself at his house making good on that agreement. To say that he surpassed my every expectation would be putting it very lightly. He had the most beautiful blue eyes, and a smile that could light up the whole of Cape Town Stadium. Not only was he attractive - he was funny, smart and sincere. The similarities in our upbringings were striking.

The conversation carried on into the wee hours of the morning, and while I knew that it was time to go home I simply couldn’t pry myself away. The attraction was undeniable, and it certainly seemed to be mutual - something that I felt was proven when he invited me back later that weekend to spend more time with him.

Things progressed very fast, and in the first week after we had met we saw each other 6 out of the 7 days. In just a couple of days I had already fallen head over heels. You would be forgiven for pointing out that this wasn’t the first time that that this had happened to me. Yet, these feelings were so different to anything I had ever felt before. This wasn’t merely physical attraction. Yes, it was certainly a big part of it. But I found myself attracted to his beautiful mind, caring soul and kind heart. I knew there and then that I had found something worth pursuing. And knowing that, I wanted to do things right and take him out on a proper date.

I did just that, and by the end of that date we were officially seeing each other. I’m sure the smile on my face was visible all the way from Mars that evening. In that moment in time I was without a doubt THE luckiest man alive.

For the first time in my life I found myself completely unafraid. He had somehow managed to break down every wall I had put up. He was everything I had always hoped and prayed for. So much more in fact. With him there was never any need for pretences. I could just be myself, and know that that was enough. I had found someone who brings out the best in me. Someone who not only complemented me, but also challenged me to be so much more than I ever thought I could be. Never ever before had I been able to give of myself so freely and so completely. And I felt sure that I had at long last found the one thing that had eluded me. True love.

And my happily ever after.