Satisfied

If you love somebody,

You better let it out.
Don't hold back while you're trying to figure it out.
Don't be timid.

Don't be afraid to hurt.
Run toward the flame.

Run toward the fire.
Hold on for all you're worth.
Cause the only real pain a heart can ever know.
Is the sorrow of regret

When you don't let your feelings show.

Can't help but worry some. With so many things to do.

So little love gets done. Empty hearts everywhere.

Drowning but dying of thirst. If you want love, it's not that tough.
Start by giving it first. It's so easy to give. Baby can't you see.

Just close your eyes open your heart. And do what comes naturally.

Horses are built to run. The sun is meant to shine above.
Flowers are made to bloom. And then there's us.

We were born to love. We are born to love.

So did you say it? Did you mean it?
Did you lay it on the line? Did you make it count?
Did you look 'em in the eye? And did they feel it?
Did you say it in time? Did you say it out loud?
‘Cause if you did, hun, then you lived some.

That feeling inside, that's called satisfied.

- Jewel

Another You, Another Me

Love at first sight.

You and me that breathless night.

Love took shape and body

In the morning light.

We were sure. This could never have happened before.

Never before.

Taken away to a world we'd never seen.

Souls and bodies keen to know what love would mean.

And we learned. Making up for the nights we had yearned.

We made plans. We made a vow.

All so far from what is now. Strangers somehow.

Another you, another me.

It was the dawn of the first day.

And life had only just begun.

Another you, another me.

The past had nothing more to say.

We had our moment in the sun.

And I can't see.

No, I can't tell you how we came to be.

Another you, another me.

Never before had I said 'forevermore'.

Never felt such urge to learn and to explore

It's so strange. When you asked,

‘Do you think this will change?’

I said 'no'. This is the way.

This is how our love will stay.

Just like today.

Another you, another me.

It was the dawn of the first day.

And life had only just begun.

Another you, another me.

The past had nothing more to say.

We had our moment in the sun.

And I can't see.

No, I can't tell you how it came to be.

Another you, another me.

- H & Claire

Bound To You

“Your mouth is poison. Your mouth is wine.

I don't have a choice, but I still choose you.

I don't love you, but I always will.
I always will.”

- The Civil Wars, Poison & Wine

 

It’s been 3 weeks since the last time I saw you. We weren’t supposed to have any contact. But you broke that agreement when you texted me within the first week. I knew it wasn’t supposed to happen, and yet I was so glad just to hear from you. It didn’t come without a price however. No, there's always a price to pay. You see, now I find myself waiting for texts that I know might never come. Every time my phone goes off, I hope it’s you. And when it finally is you, my whole world is turned upside down in an instant.

Most mornings I get up and look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. And I find myself thinking “How has this become my life?”.  I go to work and I try to keep myself preoccupied. But at some point I have to come home. And it’s always waiting just around the corner. Waiting to consume me and torture me. So I go to bed, and I hope and pray that when I turn around there’s going to be someone there to hold me. And then I realise it’s just me again, and that I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. I pray for sleep to come just so I don’t have to think or feel anything for a couple of hours. But lately the very sleep that had become my sanctuary has turned into dreams and nightmares. And I know that I was naïve to think that I could ever escape it. Because the truth is, I’m not safe anywhere. I’m haunted by you, and the ghost of “us”.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could say that it’s getting better. But I find myself stuck in a house that no longer feels like a home. Because your heart had become my home, and now I’m homeless. I’m missing you more and more every day. You’re my first thought in the morning, and the last before I go to bed. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, and yet this I am denied. You came and changed my life. You completed me. And without you it just seems like there’s nothing that could make life worth living for.

Everybody says they understand. They don’t. Not really. Because how can they possibly understand something that not even the two of us can fully comprehend? I could say that I wish I knew how to quit you. But even after all that’s been said and done, that would just be a lie.

At the end of the day, there’s only one thing that still remains. Only one thing that still rings true.

I’m still completely, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you.

I Dreamed A Dream

"I dreamed a dream of time gone by.

When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die.
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid.
No song unsung, no wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder.
As they tear your hope apart.
As they turn your dream to shame.

And still I dream he'll come to me.
That we will live the years together.
But there are dreams that cannot be.
And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be.
So different from this hell I'm living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

- Fantine, Les Misérables

… In A Hopeless Place

“There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This, it could go on forever.”

– Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

It has been said that fairy tales are nothing more than lies we tell our children so they won't have nightmares when they go to sleep. I guess it should come as no surprise then that my “happily ever after” came to an end 3 months to the day that it had begun.

Today it’s been 2 months since we broke up. It all still seems so unreal to me. No matter how many times I go over it, I still struggle to comprehend how something that started out so perfectly came to such an untimely end.  I could go on and recount the unravelling of my fairy tale in the most intimate detail, and probably fill page upon page in doing so. But because I respect the man that stole my heart – and because I do believe some things should remain private – I won’t do that.

As two people who care about each other a great deal, we decided to remain friends. But what at first seemed like the most logical thing to do, pretty soon proved to be much more complicated than we had anticipated. I guess I am mostly to blame for this. I was naïve to think that I could go from being someone’s partner and lover to simply being their friend overnight. Because as hard as I tried (and wanted) to be the friend that he needed, I couldn’t keep myself from hoping that we could go back to the way things were.

As much as I respect the reason for our breakup, I’m also human. And the heart wants what it wants. Over a very short period of time I had fallen head over heels for this guy. He came into my life most unexpectedly and changed my life completely. I had lived on my own for so long, that even I had started to doubt whether I would be able to share my life with someone else. Yet he came and washed away any doubt I had. He proved that I’m able to love someone so completely and selflessly, that now – looking back – I almost find it scary. He became the centre of my universe, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. No price too high to pay to ensure his happiness. Because when he was happy, I was happy. And no matter how messed up any other aspect of my life was, all seemed right in the world when he smiled at me.

After 6 weeks of going back and forth it was time to face the truth however. I wasn’t capable of being just his friend. Not so soon. While he believed that if we’re meant to be we would find our way back to each other , I had a much harder time simply leaving everything to fate. You see, I had been so scared that if I let him go he might never come back to me. And I didn’t know if I would be able to cope with that. Because I didn’t know how to exist in a world where “we” didn’t.

It pained me to admit it, but he was right – we needed a clean break. Time to heal and find ourselves again. If we were to simply continue down the same road we had for those 6 weeks, there would eventually be nothing left of what had been good, pure and magical about what we had shared. And I certainly didn’t want to tarnish the beautiful memories we had made in our short time together.

I don’t regret anything. Our relationship proved to be one of so many firsts for me. While I had originally intended to wait a couple of months before telling my parents that I was in a relationship, they ended up finding about him by coincidence on my birthday. And I’m glad that it happened, because after that I could work him into our conversations and help them see that I was living a perfectly healthy life like any man my age. Just last year my mom had been mortified at the thought that I would want to bring another man under their roof. And within 2 months of finding out that I was seeing someone, she invited him along for a weekend away at the beach. I have no doubt that it took a lot for my mom to be able to do that. But I believe she saw that I was truly happy, and that must’ve given her some reassurance that everything might just be OK. And I have him to thank for that.

Does this mean that I’m over him? No. Not by a long shot. We might have found love in what turned out to be a hopeless place. And we might not be able to be together right now. But I still believe that he’s the man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I believe that with every fibre of my being, even if he can’t see or feel that. And while many would call it nothing more than a fool’s hope, it’s all I’ve got right now. That, and the knowledge that nothing worth having ever came easy.  Winston Churchill said that you should never give up on anything that you can’t go a day without thinking about. I couldn’t agree more.

At the end of the day, what kind of hopeless romantic would I be if I didn’t fight for what I believe in? If I didn't fight for the one thing I’ve spent the biggest part of my adult life longing for?

True love.

We Found Love ...

“I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all.

You climbed my walls.”

- Lady Antebellum,

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Looking back, 2011 had been anything but an easy year for me. So when 2012 rolled around I was hopeful that it would prove to be a year of great potential in every aspect of life. And that hope seemed to come to fruition when I got to kick off my year with an unforgettable holiday in Mozambique with 3 amazing people who have since become 3 of my closest friends. Many deep conversations and life lessons were shared over the course of that week. And upon our return to South Africa I made the decision that I would no longer actively pursue love. While I would remain open to the possibility and still go on dates when presented with the opportunity, I had found comfort in knowing that love would find me when the time was right.

After much encouragement, I had also finally entered the world of online dating. This proved to be interesting to say the least, and I could write a number of entries based solely on those experiences. But suffice it to say that a couple of dates later I was already contemplating abandoning the concept all together, due to the fact that I had found very little substance in any of these new found “friendships”. I decided however to keep my profile active and keep an open mind.

One sunny day in April I logged on again to check whether I had received any new messages. But before I even got to my inbox, one specific guy’s profile caught my eye on the homepage. I read his short bio and found it refreshing. And while I found myself intrigued, it also dawned on me that this wasn’t the first time I had found myself taken with someone’s profile only to be disappointed in the long run. I decided however to go out on a limb once more, and after exchanging a couple of messages we finally progressed to e-mails. In an era where many of us had grown accustomed to communicating via cellphone applications like BlackBerry Messenger, WhatsApp and iMessage, there was a certain old worldly charm to exchanging e-mails. He was positively charming, and I soon found myself anticipating the arrival of every e-mail.

Eventually we agreed to meet up for coffee, and only one day later I found myself at his house making good on that agreement. To say that he surpassed my every expectation would be putting it very lightly. He had the most beautiful blue eyes, and a smile that could light up the whole of Cape Town Stadium. Not only was he attractive - he was funny, smart and sincere. The similarities in our upbringings were striking.

The conversation carried on into the wee hours of the morning, and while I knew that it was time to go home I simply couldn’t pry myself away. The attraction was undeniable, and it certainly seemed to be mutual - something that I felt was proven when he invited me back later that weekend to spend more time with him.

Things progressed very fast, and in the first week after we had met we saw each other 6 out of the 7 days. In just a couple of days I had already fallen head over heels. You would be forgiven for pointing out that this wasn’t the first time that that this had happened to me. Yet, these feelings were so different to anything I had ever felt before. This wasn’t merely physical attraction. Yes, it was certainly a big part of it. But I found myself attracted to his beautiful mind, caring soul and kind heart. I knew there and then that I had found something worth pursuing. And knowing that, I wanted to do things right and take him out on a proper date.

I did just that, and by the end of that date we were officially seeing each other. I’m sure the smile on my face was visible all the way from Mars that evening. In that moment in time I was without a doubt THE luckiest man alive.

For the first time in my life I found myself completely unafraid. He had somehow managed to break down every wall I had put up. He was everything I had always hoped and prayed for. So much more in fact. With him there was never any need for pretences. I could just be myself, and know that that was enough. I had found someone who brings out the best in me. Someone who not only complemented me, but also challenged me to be so much more than I ever thought I could be. Never ever before had I been able to give of myself so freely and so completely. And I felt sure that I had at long last found the one thing that had eluded me. True love.

And my happily ever after.

Gone Too Soon

“How very softly you tiptoed
into our world,

almost silently,

only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint your footsteps

have left upon our hearts.”

- Dorothy Ferguson

 

If there’s one thing I’ve never been good at, it’s goodbyes. Like many, I fail to see the “good” in “goodbye”. Sometimes however, we don’t have any say in the matter. Like this past week, when we lost our friend Jacques (aka Jaakorilla).

My journey with Jacques was an interesting one. As has been the case with many of my close friends these days, we met through the wonder of social networking. A chance follow and a random follow back. Eventually tweets made way for mobile chats and telephone calls. And ultimately it culminated in meeting each other in person.

Anybody who knows me well will be able to tell you that 2011 was a trying year for me to say the least. Jacques and I started chatting shortly before I came out to my parents in April of 2011. He was one of a handful of people who encouraged me and reassured me that it would be OK, and helped carry me through the aftermath of my revelation.

While I thought that coming out would free me, it only ended up presenting me with even more challenges. In the months to follow I fought for acceptance with all my might, but at times it seemed completely hopeless. And when I was at my lowest, Jacques once again reached out to me and talked me through it.

I finally got to meet Jacques in August of 2011. The first thing that caught my eye was that infectious smile of his. Damn, who could possibly forget that smile? It’s a smile that could light up a room. A reassuring smile that made you feel at home. A smile that embodied true inner beauty. Little did I know that I would be privy to seeing that smile in person only a couple of times.

Jacques, the sense of loss and despair I felt when the news first broke is simply indescribable. I did not see this coming. None of us did. I could never have imagined how much you were hiding behind those beautiful blue eyes.

Eventually sadness turned to hurt and anger. You were so many things to so many people. How could you ever have doubted just how loved you were? Why didn’t you reach out to me?

Whenever I asked you how you were doing, you would say you’re OK. You would shrug off whatever it was that was bothering you, smile and continue the conversation. You were always so much more concerned about everyone else’s wellbeing. So selfless. Always willing to go the extra mile. And it was when I was reminded of that fact, that anger finally made way for thankfulness.

You were with us for much too short a time. But I won’t continue to dwell on that. Instead, I will celebrate your life and be thankful. Thankful that I got to know you. Thankful that you touched my heart. Thankful that you made a difference in my life.

It was Antoine de St Exupery who expressed it so beautifully -

“And at night you will look up at the stars.
My star will be just one of the stars, for you.
Therefore, you will live to watch all the stars in the heavens.
In one of those stars, I shall be living,
In one I shall be laughing.
And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows),
You will be content that you have known me.”

Jacques, I hope that you’ve found the peace that eluded you in this life. And I hope that wherever you are, you are smiling down on us.

Rest in peace, my friend.

With A Little Help From My Friends

“Always, Sir, set a high value on spontaneous kindness. He whose inclination prompts him to cultivate your friendship of his own accord, will love you more than one whom you have been at pains to attach to you."

- Samuel Johnston

On 8 October 2010 I had to face the proverbial music. After years of denying my true self for fear of rejection, I finally had to look the person in the mirror squarely in the eyes and come to terms with who he was.

The past year has been an emotional rollercoaster. One that I have documented fairly extensively. I therefore have no desire to rehash any of those topics. No, today I want to acknowledge the fact that I could not have made it through this past year had it not been for the love and support of a number of individuals. So this post I dedicate to you:

RR - the first person I felt comfortable enough to confide in. Even though we barely knew each other at the time, something told me that if anybody would understand my emotional struggle it would be you. And you did.

CM, BW and MC – for sharing the stories of your individual journeys with me, and helping me make it through the first couple of days.

A boy – for the liberating first kiss that was the affirmation of who I am.

SS – for getting me through the worst New Year’s day of my life.

MB, SA, AJ and LA – for accepting me unconditionally, and providing me with a safe haven at work.

MA – for simply being one of the most special and genuine people I’ve ever known, and for all the chats at a time when I felt at my loneliest.

LM, TS, DS, TE and JB – for your overwhelming support and understanding in the days leading up to me coming out to my parents. And even more so for comforting and encouraging me thereafter.

I can never thank you all enough for what you’ve done for me. I cherish your friendship, and you will always have a special place in my heart.

I know that my journey is far from over. There’ll be plenty more obstacles to overcome and battles to fight. And as daunting a thought as that may be at times, I find comfort today in the knowledge that when it’s all over I will be able to say “I got by with a little help from my friends”.

Progress (Or Lack Thereof)

“We'll fast forward to a few years later

And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?”

- Alanis Morissette, Hands Clean

Progress. Development, usually of a gradual kind, towards achieving a goal or reaching a higher standard. Movement forwards or onwards. That’s how the Encarta English Dictionary defines the word.

After spending a very pleasant Mother’s Day weekend with my folks, I was feeling pretty confident that we were making progress. Maybe not in leaps and bounds. But progress nonetheless. Boy, was I wrong!

If there’s one quality I have come to loathe in myself, it’s my naivety. I sometimes have a far too trusting view of the world and human nature (and at 28 I can hardly blame inexperience). This was one of those times. I should’ve known better than to expect that my parents could’ve made their “peace” in just a week. You see, what I had perceived as progress was in fact little more than clever suppression. The subject of my sexuality was merely under rug swept.

It’s not that I had ever expected any of this to be easy. I had prepared myself for the worst from the outset. But when you’ve lived (what I perceive to be) an exemplary life, you expect people to have faith in you - and your sense of right and wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever given my parents any reason to doubt what kind of person I am. And yet when I asked my mother whether she had faith in the fact that I’m a good person, she weakly replied “I used to”. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t even begin to fathom that this seemingly simple revelation – something that is merely a part of me, and doesn’t define me as a person – could have made them question their belief in me.

We’ve had a number of conversations since. I have had to put up with a great many statements like this, and I’ve listened to a multitude of uninformed questions based on common misconceptions. All the while remaining patient and reassuring, and only defending myself when necessary. I’ve come to realise that while a weight might initially have been lifted from my shoulders, it has made place for a different ball and chain. I still live in fear. Fear of disappointing my parents through going about my day to day life. A fear that had already made me cancel 2 planned trips across the country to lookup some friends.

I’ve spent my entire life putting everybody else’s needs before my own, and many times I have gladly made that sacrifice for the sake of the greater good. But enough is enough. Now, more than ever, it’s my happiness that’s on the line. And the stakes are far too high to just sit and idly watch my life pass me by.

This of course constitutes changes on my part. This means putting my foot down sometimes. This means fighting for what I believe in. This means following things through, even when it’s hard. Even when it doesn’t always carry everybody’s approval. But most of all, this means moving forwards and onwards.

Because that - that, is progress.

The Shape Of Things To Come

“You feel the weight

Of lies and contradictions that you live with every day

It's not too late

Think of what could be if you rewrite the role you play

Take a step before you leap

Into the colours that you seek

You give back what you give away

So don't look back on yesterday”

- Adam Lambert, Aftermath

When I finally made peace with my sexuality a couple of month ago, I didn’t quite feel the sense of relief one would expect. That probably sounds strange. But you see - while my inner struggle was finally over, I knew that the hardest part of my journey still lay ahead. And that would be breaking the news to my family and friends.

I think as children one of our biggest fears is disappointing our parents. We all want our parents to be proud of us, and up till now I’ve done everything within my power to live the kind of life that would make my parents proud. It should therefore come as no surprise that I found the fear of my parents’ reaction to the news near crippling. All the while knowing that the time would come when I would no longer be able to withhold the truth, and still live the full life I was longing for.

After breaking the news to the majority of my close friends the past couple of months, I finally decided I would sit my parents down the weekend after we return from Easter break. Or at least, that was the plan. Shortly after making this all important decision, I was informed that Mother’s Day was also that weekend. Not exactly the best timing.

In the end I realised that I could no longer prolong the inevitable. The longer I waited, the bigger the risk that my parents could find out the the truth before I had the chance to tell them myself. So I decided that I would sit them down 2 days before the end of our Easter break.

When the day finally arrived, I was nervous to say the least. In fact, I spent the better part of the day thinking of the right way to approach the subject – feeling very much like a lawyer preparing an opening argument for a court case. My fear almost got the better of me. But I knew that if I didn’t take the leap there and then, I might never find the courage again.

I don’t think I will ever forget the look of hurt and disappointment on my mother’s face when I finally dropped the bomb. My father was the one to offer some words of comfort, and it wasn’t too long before my mother broke down in tears. I did my best to comfort her, but before long I too found myself crying. Many questions were asked and a great many things were said over the course of that weekend – most of which I had anticipated, and yet some of it still hurt just as badly. By the time my parents dropped me off at home after our break, I felt like I was at the lowest point I had been at since I had started on this journey. I couldn’t help but feel like I had taken away everything my parents had held dear, and had thereby “broken” them in a sense.

The very next weekend was Mother’s Day, and I was not about to abandon my mother – no matter the circumstances. Naturally, I prepared myself for the worst. So much so, that I was almost taken aback by the fact that things seemed to be back to the way they had been before.

Over the course of the weekend it became clear that my parents were still digesting it all, but that they were making the effort to be understanding. I have no doubt that my parents will still have many questions and concerns to raise in the months to come. And while they may never be able to approve of my “lifestyle”, the important thing to me is that they seem to be “OK”. The one thing I had been most concerned about.

Now, 7 months after the initial fact, I finally feel like that weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like I can start living my life. A life that I hope will finally bring me the love and happiness that has eluded me till now.