I Think I’ll Be Brave

“I think I'll be brave
Starting with you
But I'll fall away if you tell me to
I'd rather be wrong
Then hope that I'm right”

- Tawgs Salter, Brave

It has been yet another busy week. Busy, but good. Just last week I was saying that I was confident that a change would come. Already I’m feeling considerably more positive about life in general, and now I’m starting to think that change might already be here.

I had another good weekend, which makes it two for two now. That has been a very rare occurrence over the past few months. I got to spend some more time with my new friend. I was really excited about the prospect of making a new friend – and one who actually lives close enough to hang out with. I just felt like we clicked instantly, and that doesn’t happen every day – at least not for me.

What started off as just a friendship, has quickly turned into attraction for me. I really like him – a lot. He’s a really awesome guy. Intelligent, mature and funny. Handsome too on top of that. I’ve been finding that the more time I spend with him, the more I want to be around him. I find myself thinking about him throughout the day, and I just want to get to know him even better.

I’ve read his blog, and I know there are certain things he’s looking for in a relationship. To be honest, it doesn’t differ all that much from what I want. I have no idea whether he is (or could even be) remotely interested in me in that way, but I would like to pursue a relationship with him. I think I could be really good to him and give him what he deserves – and I think he could be really good for me too.

As we all know though, I’m no stranger to a bruised ego. I don’t want to set my expectations too high. But at the same time I realise that I have to start putting myself out there – regardless of the obstacles and disappointments I might face along the way. I need to be brave, and start taking responsibility for my own happiness. I owe that to myself.

I’m hoping to take him on a proper date this weekend. Should I tell him how I feel? Should I rather say nothing and just see how it goes? These thoughts keep going around and around in my head, and I know there’s a part of myself that’ll try to talk me out of it before Sunday.

But what if there’s a possibility that he’s feeling something too? Shouldn’t I show my true feelings before his interest fades? The window of opportunity is usually only that big. And we are rarely afforded second chances in life. Even if the feeling’s not mutual, I have made a great new friend at the very least. One that I hope will be around for a lifetime, and not just a season.

Let’s face it – I have no idea where this could go. But it’s time to starting being brave. And I think I’ll start with him.

A Change Is Gonna Come

It has been quite a while since my last entry. I guess there could be quite a number of reasons for that. The past couple of weeks have been really busy. I haven't really had much to say, and precious little seemed to interest me really. To be quite honest, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut lately. And I just didn't know what to do about it.

Easter holidays are just a month away. My parents invited me to go away with them for a couple of days. I have been hesitant in accepting, because I didn't know if I could spend 9 days with them at this point. I've been finding it harder and harder to spend time with them, and I know it's due to my own hang ups.  It kills me that I can't be my true self around them. I don't want to keep secrets from them. And yet I know that the timing just isn't quite right yet - you definitely don't break "earth shattering" news to your family over the holidays.

The past weekend was actually a pretty good one. In fact, it's the best I've had in quite a while. I went out with a new friend, and I had a great time. I think for the first time I got a taste of what life could be like once I'm free to be unashamedly myself. And I liked it.

So I've decided that I will in fact take my parents up on their offer. The way I see it, we may as well try and have one last good holiday before it all possibly goes south. Although I won't be breaking the news to them during our holiday, I plan on doing so shortly after our return. There's no point in putting off the inevitable any longer. The longer I wait, the bigger the chance of getting caught up in a web of lies and deceit. That's the last thing I want. And until I'm out to my parents, I will never be able to live a full life.

It looks like things may finally be starting to move along. I don't know exactly what to expect, but I'm going to try and be cautiously optimistic about the future. They say that change is the only constant in life. There's probably precious little other that you can do than embrace it.

So here I am at the beginning of a new week - ready to open my arms and embrace new possibilities. Content in the moment, and confident in the fact that at some point a change is gonna come.

Unrequited

“Everyone thinks that I have it all.

But it's so empty living behind these castle walls.

If I should tumble. If I should fall.

Would anyone hear me screaming behind these caste walls?

There's no one here at all behind these castle walls.”

- T.I. ft Christina Aguilera, Castle Walls

The past week - and weekend especially - has probably been one of the loneliest I've experienced in quite some time. Aside from my chats with Mr One-Four-Five, it's been really quiet in the evenings. I know I've said it before, but I'm really thankful for his presence in my life right now. He's seen my light and a little of my dark, and he's still here - that's pretty amazing. I really wish we lived a little closer to each other. Hopefully we’ll get to meet in person sometime this year.

When it comes to loneliness, it doesn't really matter what you do - you can't escape it. You can go to a mall and be surrounded by hundreds of people, and still feel like the sole person out there. I don't think I've felt anything like this since those two horrid nights back in October. To make it even worse, I’m an emotional eater. So there’s been binging aplenty. It really scares me to think that I’ve started to let myself go again, when I said I would never allow it to happen again.

You're probably wondering why I don't just call up a friend, right? Well, I don't have that many close friends to begin with. I've tried my darnedest to make some friends ever since moving to the city. But finding yourself a spot in an already established circle of friends is easier said than done. I always seem to be the one who has to initiate everything - whether it be a trip to the movies, dinner or just a night in. For some reason I always end up being an "option" or a "last resort". And I've just grown tired of it.

I'm on the verge of having to shatter my parents' world, and I'm realising I might not have all that great of a support network after all. At least not a tangible one. When it comes to friendship and love, mine seems to remain unrequited. Wow, that would actually be a pretty good title for my biography one day "Unrequited - A True Story". Don’t you think?

I don't even really want to get into the subject of love. I guess I just thought things would be different now that I was finally comfortable with my sexuality and now that I know what I want. But it's still every bit as hard as it used to be. Maybe I simply set my hopes too high - common denominator etc. It's not really like I have all that much say in the matter - at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants.

Come what may though, I know I can't afford to throw in the towel. Because if I do, I'll just be one more lonely person who gave up the fight.

Don't Waste The Pretty

“Who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars.

Collecting your jar of hearts. And tearing love apart.

You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

Don't come back for me. Don't come back at all.”

- Christina Perri, Jar Of Hearts

I've begun to make peace with the fact that there are a great many things in this world that I will probably never understand. One of these is the intricate mechanics of love. Like how you can simply wake up one morning and decide that you don't love the person next to you anymore? As simple a concept as love may be, it can also get very complicated. It's so much bigger than you and me - bigger than all of us. And yet there are few things as beautiful in its simplicity as falling in love.

I guess if I really think about it, I can still rationalize how you can fall out of love with someone. People change, needs change and circumstances change - all of which can be a factor. But it can also go beyond that of course. You can fall out of love over something that the other person has done. Like cheating on you.

For me, personally, cheating is inexcusable. If you don't love somebody anymore - fine, be truthful with them and both parties can try and move on. But how can you be with someone, tell them you love them, promise them the sun and the moon, and then go behind their back and be with somebody else? I will never understand that. I don't even want somebody to try and justify it, because it makes me sick. Seriously. I've now seen it happen to two people I know in less than a week. And it tears me apart.

I don't know what I would do if it ever happened to me. I think it would most probably break me. Yet I hope that I would have enough strength and a big enough sense of self worth to walk away, and realise that I deserve better. Is there really any point in sticking around because someone says that they've made a mistake, and that it will never happen again? I'm not saying that people can't change and that they don't deserve a second chance. But 9 times out of 10, a cheater will just cheat again. Because whatever convinced them to gamble with the love they had in the first place is clearly stronger than any level of commitment out there, or just even plain common sense.

If you know that you're being cheated on, you need to love yourself enough to know that it's over when it's over. If you're sticking around because you're the victim of emotional abuse, you need to find the strength within you to pick yourself up and to walk away. Nobody has the power to make you feel less than you are, unless you give it to them. You deserve more than just being somebody's option. You deserve to be somebody's world. And you should never have to settle for anything less. You are beautiful, and you are worthy of love. Love in its purest form.

So please believe that. And whatever you do - don't waste the pretty.

The “Ick” Factor?

"Just a little bit stronger

Just a little bit wiser

Just a little less needy

And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit pretty

Just a little more aware

Just a little bit thinner

And maybe I'd get there..."

– Maria Mena, Just A Litte Bit

Why is it so hard to meet a decent guy these days? It’s not like they’re not out there, because they are. It’s just that they’re all already in a relationship, live a little far away or they’re simply just not interested. It’s a sad state of affairs indeed.

I have had my fair amount of crushes, and none of them have ever amounted to anything more than that unfortunately. I can’t tell you how many people have told me that I should just keep the faith, because I’m going to find somebody amazing.

You know what? Quite frankly, I’m tired of always being told that. That, and that I’m sweet and thoughtful and sincere. Where has that gotten me? Sweet and sincere simply doesn’t seem to cut it. I’m starting to think that they must be the least attractive qualities in a guy. Either that or people just don’t want to be treated well.

Just what exactly is it about me that keeps putting guys off? Am I not smart enough? Not wealthy enough? Not attractive enough? Is it the fact that I have high moral values and strong beliefs? Is it because I’m not easy?

I mean, let’s get something straight – I’m not looking for a one night stand or Mr Right Now. I’m not about to compromise my values for anyone. No, because I deserve to be more than just somebody’s option or flavour of the week.

Who knows? Maybe I just don’t have the “X” factor. Maybe it’s not even about what I’m lacking. Maybe it’s about what I do have.

And that appears to be the “ick” factor.

Poor Lil' Charlie Brown

"Love never loved me

Love left me out in the cold

Love never loved me

Love gave up on me after all"

– Geri Halliwell, Love Never Loved Me

It will probably come as no surprise to you that I have never had a Valentine. Not once. When I was younger, I was THAT little boy. You know, the one whose mother was concerned that he wouldn’t get a Valentine? So she would slip one into his suitcase or lunchbox, or even find a way to get it into the mailbox at school. And every year he would come back with the biggest smile on his face. Not because he received a Valentine – but because he didn’t miss a single one of his classmates when sending out his Valentines. Yes, that was me.

Of course all little boys have to grow up at some point. And as they do, they realise that Valentine’s Day isn’t all about sending cards to their friends. No, Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year that just about everybody goes out of their way to show that someone special in their life just how much they care about them. It’s not about receiving a card from a friend – it’s about getting to share a special day with the person you love. The person who loves you too.

Nothing makes me happier than to see people find happiness. Heaven knows we need as many happy couples out there as we can get. But Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year that makes it really hard to be happy for everybody else when you’re still left terminally single.

I sometimes wonder whether Charles Schulz knew that he was actually basing the character of Charlie Brown on me when he started his Peanuts comic strip 60 odd years ago? A lovable loser, possessed of endless determination and hope, but ultimately dominated by his insecurities and a "permanent case of bad luck," and often taken advantage of by his peers. Like ol’ Chuck, I seem to be a shining example of an “un-success story” – failing in almost everything I do.

Come Monday I will no doubt find myself marching up to my mailbox, just like poor lil' Charlie Brown, only to find it completely empty like so many Valentine’s Days before - serving as a reminder yet again that love has never loved me.

The Common Denominator

“How can a 10 go for a 5?”

– Tagline, She’s Out Of My League

By now I'm sure that at least some of you have seen the movie "She's Out Of My League". It stars Jay Baruchel as an average Joe who meets the perfect woman (Alice Eve). Instead of Jay having to compete for Alice's affection though, and to the surprise of both their groups of friends, she takes an interest in him right from the start. Of course Jay’s lack of confidence and the influence of his friends and family begin to pick away at the relationship. But in true Hollywood style, they overcome it all and end up living happily ever after.

Sweet, right? Sure. If only it were that easy in real life. Because you see, in our world 10’s and 5’s simply don’t play in the same leagues. No sir. The only things that seem to matter to people are looks, money and power. They can deny it all they want. But the truth is if you are lacking in any of these 3 departments, you're most likely to be sentenced to a lifetime of loneliness by those who are considerably more “blessed” in those areas. And this has rung true through the ages.

Even I can't deny the fact that it would be nice if I was to find an attractive partner to share my life with. It's not important by any means, because to me your most important features still remain your heart and soul. But it surely wouldn't hurt. I've had my fair share of crushes on "perfect 10's". And I know better than anyone that most of them would never give me the time of day, and that the exceptions to the rule are ever so few.

So while I applaud the filmmakers for making the audience believe that anything is possible, I can't help but feel like I need to be the voice of reason here. At the end of the day it sadly all still comes down to basic maths - a case of the common denominator.

And in the real world, 10's and 5's simply don't share a common denominator.