“We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?”
- Alanis Morissette, Hands Clean
Progress. Development, usually of a gradual kind, towards achieving a goal or reaching a higher standard. Movement forwards or onwards. That’s how the Encarta English Dictionary defines the word.
After spending a very pleasant Mother’s Day weekend with my folks, I was feeling pretty confident that we were making progress. Maybe not in leaps and bounds. But progress nonetheless. Boy, was I wrong!
If there’s one quality I have come to loathe in myself, it’s my naivety. I sometimes have a far too trusting view of the world and human nature (and at 28 I can hardly blame inexperience). This was one of those times. I should’ve known better than to expect that my parents could’ve made their “peace” in just a week. You see, what I had perceived as progress was in fact little more than clever suppression. The subject of my sexuality was merely under rug swept.
It’s not that I had ever expected any of this to be easy. I had prepared myself for the worst from the outset. But when you’ve lived (what I perceive to be) an exemplary life, you expect people to have faith in you - and your sense of right and wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever given my parents any reason to doubt what kind of person I am. And yet when I asked my mother whether she had faith in the fact that I’m a good person, she weakly replied “I used to”. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t even begin to fathom that this seemingly simple revelation – something that is merely a part of me, and doesn’t define me as a person – could have made them question their belief in me.
We’ve had a number of conversations since. I have had to put up with a great many statements like this, and I’ve listened to a multitude of uninformed questions based on common misconceptions. All the while remaining patient and reassuring, and only defending myself when necessary. I’ve come to realise that while a weight might initially have been lifted from my shoulders, it has made place for a different ball and chain. I still live in fear. Fear of disappointing my parents through going about my day to day life. A fear that had already made me cancel 2 planned trips across the country to lookup some friends.
I’ve spent my entire life putting everybody else’s needs before my own, and many times I have gladly made that sacrifice for the sake of the greater good. But enough is enough. Now, more than ever, it’s my happiness that’s on the line. And the stakes are far too high to just sit and idly watch my life pass me by.
This of course constitutes changes on my part. This means putting my foot down sometimes. This means fighting for what I believe in. This means following things through, even when it’s hard. Even when it doesn’t always carry everybody’s approval. But most of all, this means moving forwards and onwards.
Because that - that, is progress.
