Gone Too Soon

“How very softly you tiptoed
into our world,

almost silently,

only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint your footsteps

have left upon our hearts.”

- Dorothy Ferguson

 

If there’s one thing I’ve never been good at, it’s goodbyes. Like many, I fail to see the “good” in “goodbye”. Sometimes however, we don’t have any say in the matter. Like this past week, when we lost our friend Jacques (aka Jaakorilla).

My journey with Jacques was an interesting one. As has been the case with many of my close friends these days, we met through the wonder of social networking. A chance follow and a random follow back. Eventually tweets made way for mobile chats and telephone calls. And ultimately it culminated in meeting each other in person.

Anybody who knows me well will be able to tell you that 2011 was a trying year for me to say the least. Jacques and I started chatting shortly before I came out to my parents in April of 2011. He was one of a handful of people who encouraged me and reassured me that it would be OK, and helped carry me through the aftermath of my revelation.

While I thought that coming out would free me, it only ended up presenting me with even more challenges. In the months to follow I fought for acceptance with all my might, but at times it seemed completely hopeless. And when I was at my lowest, Jacques once again reached out to me and talked me through it.

I finally got to meet Jacques in August of 2011. The first thing that caught my eye was that infectious smile of his. Damn, who could possibly forget that smile? It’s a smile that could light up a room. A reassuring smile that made you feel at home. A smile that embodied true inner beauty. Little did I know that I would be privy to seeing that smile in person only a couple of times.

Jacques, the sense of loss and despair I felt when the news first broke is simply indescribable. I did not see this coming. None of us did. I could never have imagined how much you were hiding behind those beautiful blue eyes.

Eventually sadness turned to hurt and anger. You were so many things to so many people. How could you ever have doubted just how loved you were? Why didn’t you reach out to me?

Whenever I asked you how you were doing, you would say you’re OK. You would shrug off whatever it was that was bothering you, smile and continue the conversation. You were always so much more concerned about everyone else’s wellbeing. So selfless. Always willing to go the extra mile. And it was when I was reminded of that fact, that anger finally made way for thankfulness.

You were with us for much too short a time. But I won’t continue to dwell on that. Instead, I will celebrate your life and be thankful. Thankful that I got to know you. Thankful that you touched my heart. Thankful that you made a difference in my life.

It was Antoine de St Exupery who expressed it so beautifully -

“And at night you will look up at the stars.
My star will be just one of the stars, for you.
Therefore, you will live to watch all the stars in the heavens.
In one of those stars, I shall be living,
In one I shall be laughing.
And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows),
You will be content that you have known me.”

Jacques, I hope that you’ve found the peace that eluded you in this life. And I hope that wherever you are, you are smiling down on us.

Rest in peace, my friend.