With A Little Help From My Friends

“Always, Sir, set a high value on spontaneous kindness. He whose inclination prompts him to cultivate your friendship of his own accord, will love you more than one whom you have been at pains to attach to you."

- Samuel Johnston

On 8 October 2010 I had to face the proverbial music. After years of denying my true self for fear of rejection, I finally had to look the person in the mirror squarely in the eyes and come to terms with who he was.

The past year has been an emotional rollercoaster. One that I have documented fairly extensively. I therefore have no desire to rehash any of those topics. No, today I want to acknowledge the fact that I could not have made it through this past year had it not been for the love and support of a number of individuals. So this post I dedicate to you:

RR - the first person I felt comfortable enough to confide in. Even though we barely knew each other at the time, something told me that if anybody would understand my emotional struggle it would be you. And you did.

CM, BW and MC – for sharing the stories of your individual journeys with me, and helping me make it through the first couple of days.

A boy – for the liberating first kiss that was the affirmation of who I am.

SS – for getting me through the worst New Year’s day of my life.

MB, SA, AJ and LA – for accepting me unconditionally, and providing me with a safe haven at work.

MA – for simply being one of the most special and genuine people I’ve ever known, and for all the chats at a time when I felt at my loneliest.

LM, TS, DS, TE and JB – for your overwhelming support and understanding in the days leading up to me coming out to my parents. And even more so for comforting and encouraging me thereafter.

I can never thank you all enough for what you’ve done for me. I cherish your friendship, and you will always have a special place in my heart.

I know that my journey is far from over. There’ll be plenty more obstacles to overcome and battles to fight. And as daunting a thought as that may be at times, I find comfort today in the knowledge that when it’s all over I will be able to say “I got by with a little help from my friends”.

Progress (Or Lack Thereof)

“We'll fast forward to a few years later

And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?”

- Alanis Morissette, Hands Clean

Progress. Development, usually of a gradual kind, towards achieving a goal or reaching a higher standard. Movement forwards or onwards. That’s how the Encarta English Dictionary defines the word.

After spending a very pleasant Mother’s Day weekend with my folks, I was feeling pretty confident that we were making progress. Maybe not in leaps and bounds. But progress nonetheless. Boy, was I wrong!

If there’s one quality I have come to loathe in myself, it’s my naivety. I sometimes have a far too trusting view of the world and human nature (and at 28 I can hardly blame inexperience). This was one of those times. I should’ve known better than to expect that my parents could’ve made their “peace” in just a week. You see, what I had perceived as progress was in fact little more than clever suppression. The subject of my sexuality was merely under rug swept.

It’s not that I had ever expected any of this to be easy. I had prepared myself for the worst from the outset. But when you’ve lived (what I perceive to be) an exemplary life, you expect people to have faith in you - and your sense of right and wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever given my parents any reason to doubt what kind of person I am. And yet when I asked my mother whether she had faith in the fact that I’m a good person, she weakly replied “I used to”. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t even begin to fathom that this seemingly simple revelation – something that is merely a part of me, and doesn’t define me as a person – could have made them question their belief in me.

We’ve had a number of conversations since. I have had to put up with a great many statements like this, and I’ve listened to a multitude of uninformed questions based on common misconceptions. All the while remaining patient and reassuring, and only defending myself when necessary. I’ve come to realise that while a weight might initially have been lifted from my shoulders, it has made place for a different ball and chain. I still live in fear. Fear of disappointing my parents through going about my day to day life. A fear that had already made me cancel 2 planned trips across the country to lookup some friends.

I’ve spent my entire life putting everybody else’s needs before my own, and many times I have gladly made that sacrifice for the sake of the greater good. But enough is enough. Now, more than ever, it’s my happiness that’s on the line. And the stakes are far too high to just sit and idly watch my life pass me by.

This of course constitutes changes on my part. This means putting my foot down sometimes. This means fighting for what I believe in. This means following things through, even when it’s hard. Even when it doesn’t always carry everybody’s approval. But most of all, this means moving forwards and onwards.

Because that - that, is progress.

The Shape Of Things To Come

“You feel the weight

Of lies and contradictions that you live with every day

It's not too late

Think of what could be if you rewrite the role you play

Take a step before you leap

Into the colours that you seek

You give back what you give away

So don't look back on yesterday”

- Adam Lambert, Aftermath

When I finally made peace with my sexuality a couple of month ago, I didn’t quite feel the sense of relief one would expect. That probably sounds strange. But you see - while my inner struggle was finally over, I knew that the hardest part of my journey still lay ahead. And that would be breaking the news to my family and friends.

I think as children one of our biggest fears is disappointing our parents. We all want our parents to be proud of us, and up till now I’ve done everything within my power to live the kind of life that would make my parents proud. It should therefore come as no surprise that I found the fear of my parents’ reaction to the news near crippling. All the while knowing that the time would come when I would no longer be able to withhold the truth, and still live the full life I was longing for.

After breaking the news to the majority of my close friends the past couple of months, I finally decided I would sit my parents down the weekend after we return from Easter break. Or at least, that was the plan. Shortly after making this all important decision, I was informed that Mother’s Day was also that weekend. Not exactly the best timing.

In the end I realised that I could no longer prolong the inevitable. The longer I waited, the bigger the risk that my parents could find out the the truth before I had the chance to tell them myself. So I decided that I would sit them down 2 days before the end of our Easter break.

When the day finally arrived, I was nervous to say the least. In fact, I spent the better part of the day thinking of the right way to approach the subject – feeling very much like a lawyer preparing an opening argument for a court case. My fear almost got the better of me. But I knew that if I didn’t take the leap there and then, I might never find the courage again.

I don’t think I will ever forget the look of hurt and disappointment on my mother’s face when I finally dropped the bomb. My father was the one to offer some words of comfort, and it wasn’t too long before my mother broke down in tears. I did my best to comfort her, but before long I too found myself crying. Many questions were asked and a great many things were said over the course of that weekend – most of which I had anticipated, and yet some of it still hurt just as badly. By the time my parents dropped me off at home after our break, I felt like I was at the lowest point I had been at since I had started on this journey. I couldn’t help but feel like I had taken away everything my parents had held dear, and had thereby “broken” them in a sense.

The very next weekend was Mother’s Day, and I was not about to abandon my mother – no matter the circumstances. Naturally, I prepared myself for the worst. So much so, that I was almost taken aback by the fact that things seemed to be back to the way they had been before.

Over the course of the weekend it became clear that my parents were still digesting it all, but that they were making the effort to be understanding. I have no doubt that my parents will still have many questions and concerns to raise in the months to come. And while they may never be able to approve of my “lifestyle”, the important thing to me is that they seem to be “OK”. The one thing I had been most concerned about.

Now, 7 months after the initial fact, I finally feel like that weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like I can start living my life. A life that I hope will finally bring me the love and happiness that has eluded me till now.

My 8-Bit Heart

“There once was a boy

who was made, not created

He wanted to learn

He wanted to indulge his senses,

to understand pain

But most of all,

He wanted to love

For only when he found true love

would he become real”

- Simon Curtis, Boy Robot

Wow, it's hard to believe it's been almost a month since my last blog entry. The days leading up to Easter break were significantly busier than even I had anticipated. And as a result, I never got round to many of the things that I'd been hoping to do.

The last time I blogged I was on the verge of asking my new friend - let's call him Beach Boy – out on a date. Well, I took the leap of faith and he said yes. So I took him for a picnic, followed by a concert at sunset. It was the perfect 1^st date – or it was to me at least. Conversation came easy, and the afternoon just flew by. The concert allowed me the opportunity to sit close to him and have many a whispered conversation. Could it get any better than that?

We ended the evening by going for coffee, and by the time I took him home there was only one thing on my mind. Something that I had been itching to do the whole afternoon – kiss him. But how do you go about kissing the boy you like if you don't know if the feeling is mutual? Well, you do the gentlemanly thing – you ask whether it would be OK if you kissed him goodnight. And that's exactly what I did when Beach Boy leaned in to give me a hug goodnight.

To say that I was on cloud 9 at that point would be an understatement. I couldn't stop thinking about him that whole week. I had to see him again. So I asked him out to dinner and a movie that Friday night. We had another fun evening, and by the time the movie started I wanted to reach for his hand so badly. As fate would have it, we had a rowdy group of people sitting a couple of rows behind us, and I didn't want to risk making him feel awkward. I decided to rather wait till about halfway through the movie, but by then his hand was too far out of reach and I never got the opportunity I had been hoping for. And due to some unforeseen dental complications our goodnight kiss sadly wasn't to be repeated either.

By that point I was itching to ask Beach Boy to go steady with me. But was it too soon? Was I willing to risk jumping the shark as had been the case with Mr One-Four-Five? I must've gone over it in my head at least a million times. And when Beach Boy and I took a trip to the beach that Sunday, I still didn't have an answer.

Our time together at the beach went by much too fast – but then again so had every other afternoon/evening we had spent together. There was something about him. Something about the way I felt when I was around him. No other guy had ever made me feel like that before. It's that very feeling that convinced me to tell him how I felt once we got back to the car. I was so nervous – and I'm sure it must've shown. I think I fussed around with the car keys for at least 3 minutes before I finally opened my mouth. I don't think a single thing came out the way I had intended. Yet I probably said all I needed to.

Nothing would give me greater satisfaction than to tell you that I finally got my happy ending. Alas, things with Beach Boy wasn't meant to be either. I should've gathered that it was still much too soon after his last relationship It wasn't that there couldn't potentially be something more than friendship – it was just that he wasn't quite ready for anything more at that point. I won't lie – I was disappointed. But then again I had pursued this with little to no expectations, which made it somewhat easier to digest. The points he raised were all valid – and if there's one thing I value above all else, it's honesty. I'd rather suffer from momentary disappointment than major heartbreak a couple of months down the line.

Thankfully my confession hasn't caused any awkwardness between Beach Boy and I. We continue to chat regularly, and we've been out for coffee and a movie as has become our little custom. I told Beach Boy that I hoped he would give me a chance once he's reached that good place (let's call it inner peace, for a lack of better words) he's striving for. So who knows? Maybe he will. Maybe he won't.

For now I find comfort in the knowledge that I've made a new friend – a tangible one – and that my confidence is boosted with every leap of faith I take. When all is said and done, I'm still the boy who wants nothing more than to believe in love. For what could be more simple than to love and be loved in return?

It's this childlike belief that keeps my 8-bit heart beating.

I Think I’ll Be Brave

“I think I'll be brave
Starting with you
But I'll fall away if you tell me to
I'd rather be wrong
Then hope that I'm right”

- Tawgs Salter, Brave

It has been yet another busy week. Busy, but good. Just last week I was saying that I was confident that a change would come. Already I’m feeling considerably more positive about life in general, and now I’m starting to think that change might already be here.

I had another good weekend, which makes it two for two now. That has been a very rare occurrence over the past few months. I got to spend some more time with my new friend. I was really excited about the prospect of making a new friend – and one who actually lives close enough to hang out with. I just felt like we clicked instantly, and that doesn’t happen every day – at least not for me.

What started off as just a friendship, has quickly turned into attraction for me. I really like him – a lot. He’s a really awesome guy. Intelligent, mature and funny. Handsome too on top of that. I’ve been finding that the more time I spend with him, the more I want to be around him. I find myself thinking about him throughout the day, and I just want to get to know him even better.

I’ve read his blog, and I know there are certain things he’s looking for in a relationship. To be honest, it doesn’t differ all that much from what I want. I have no idea whether he is (or could even be) remotely interested in me in that way, but I would like to pursue a relationship with him. I think I could be really good to him and give him what he deserves – and I think he could be really good for me too.

As we all know though, I’m no stranger to a bruised ego. I don’t want to set my expectations too high. But at the same time I realise that I have to start putting myself out there – regardless of the obstacles and disappointments I might face along the way. I need to be brave, and start taking responsibility for my own happiness. I owe that to myself.

I’m hoping to take him on a proper date this weekend. Should I tell him how I feel? Should I rather say nothing and just see how it goes? These thoughts keep going around and around in my head, and I know there’s a part of myself that’ll try to talk me out of it before Sunday.

But what if there’s a possibility that he’s feeling something too? Shouldn’t I show my true feelings before his interest fades? The window of opportunity is usually only that big. And we are rarely afforded second chances in life. Even if the feeling’s not mutual, I have made a great new friend at the very least. One that I hope will be around for a lifetime, and not just a season.

Let’s face it – I have no idea where this could go. But it’s time to starting being brave. And I think I’ll start with him.

A Change Is Gonna Come

It has been quite a while since my last entry. I guess there could be quite a number of reasons for that. The past couple of weeks have been really busy. I haven't really had much to say, and precious little seemed to interest me really. To be quite honest, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut lately. And I just didn't know what to do about it.

Easter holidays are just a month away. My parents invited me to go away with them for a couple of days. I have been hesitant in accepting, because I didn't know if I could spend 9 days with them at this point. I've been finding it harder and harder to spend time with them, and I know it's due to my own hang ups.  It kills me that I can't be my true self around them. I don't want to keep secrets from them. And yet I know that the timing just isn't quite right yet - you definitely don't break "earth shattering" news to your family over the holidays.

The past weekend was actually a pretty good one. In fact, it's the best I've had in quite a while. I went out with a new friend, and I had a great time. I think for the first time I got a taste of what life could be like once I'm free to be unashamedly myself. And I liked it.

So I've decided that I will in fact take my parents up on their offer. The way I see it, we may as well try and have one last good holiday before it all possibly goes south. Although I won't be breaking the news to them during our holiday, I plan on doing so shortly after our return. There's no point in putting off the inevitable any longer. The longer I wait, the bigger the chance of getting caught up in a web of lies and deceit. That's the last thing I want. And until I'm out to my parents, I will never be able to live a full life.

It looks like things may finally be starting to move along. I don't know exactly what to expect, but I'm going to try and be cautiously optimistic about the future. They say that change is the only constant in life. There's probably precious little other that you can do than embrace it.

So here I am at the beginning of a new week - ready to open my arms and embrace new possibilities. Content in the moment, and confident in the fact that at some point a change is gonna come.

Unrequited

“Everyone thinks that I have it all.

But it's so empty living behind these castle walls.

If I should tumble. If I should fall.

Would anyone hear me screaming behind these caste walls?

There's no one here at all behind these castle walls.”

- T.I. ft Christina Aguilera, Castle Walls

The past week - and weekend especially - has probably been one of the loneliest I've experienced in quite some time. Aside from my chats with Mr One-Four-Five, it's been really quiet in the evenings. I know I've said it before, but I'm really thankful for his presence in my life right now. He's seen my light and a little of my dark, and he's still here - that's pretty amazing. I really wish we lived a little closer to each other. Hopefully we’ll get to meet in person sometime this year.

When it comes to loneliness, it doesn't really matter what you do - you can't escape it. You can go to a mall and be surrounded by hundreds of people, and still feel like the sole person out there. I don't think I've felt anything like this since those two horrid nights back in October. To make it even worse, I’m an emotional eater. So there’s been binging aplenty. It really scares me to think that I’ve started to let myself go again, when I said I would never allow it to happen again.

You're probably wondering why I don't just call up a friend, right? Well, I don't have that many close friends to begin with. I've tried my darnedest to make some friends ever since moving to the city. But finding yourself a spot in an already established circle of friends is easier said than done. I always seem to be the one who has to initiate everything - whether it be a trip to the movies, dinner or just a night in. For some reason I always end up being an "option" or a "last resort". And I've just grown tired of it.

I'm on the verge of having to shatter my parents' world, and I'm realising I might not have all that great of a support network after all. At least not a tangible one. When it comes to friendship and love, mine seems to remain unrequited. Wow, that would actually be a pretty good title for my biography one day "Unrequited - A True Story". Don’t you think?

I don't even really want to get into the subject of love. I guess I just thought things would be different now that I was finally comfortable with my sexuality and now that I know what I want. But it's still every bit as hard as it used to be. Maybe I simply set my hopes too high - common denominator etc. It's not really like I have all that much say in the matter - at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants.

Come what may though, I know I can't afford to throw in the towel. Because if I do, I'll just be one more lonely person who gave up the fight.

Don't Waste The Pretty

“Who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars.

Collecting your jar of hearts. And tearing love apart.

You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

Don't come back for me. Don't come back at all.”

- Christina Perri, Jar Of Hearts

I've begun to make peace with the fact that there are a great many things in this world that I will probably never understand. One of these is the intricate mechanics of love. Like how you can simply wake up one morning and decide that you don't love the person next to you anymore? As simple a concept as love may be, it can also get very complicated. It's so much bigger than you and me - bigger than all of us. And yet there are few things as beautiful in its simplicity as falling in love.

I guess if I really think about it, I can still rationalize how you can fall out of love with someone. People change, needs change and circumstances change - all of which can be a factor. But it can also go beyond that of course. You can fall out of love over something that the other person has done. Like cheating on you.

For me, personally, cheating is inexcusable. If you don't love somebody anymore - fine, be truthful with them and both parties can try and move on. But how can you be with someone, tell them you love them, promise them the sun and the moon, and then go behind their back and be with somebody else? I will never understand that. I don't even want somebody to try and justify it, because it makes me sick. Seriously. I've now seen it happen to two people I know in less than a week. And it tears me apart.

I don't know what I would do if it ever happened to me. I think it would most probably break me. Yet I hope that I would have enough strength and a big enough sense of self worth to walk away, and realise that I deserve better. Is there really any point in sticking around because someone says that they've made a mistake, and that it will never happen again? I'm not saying that people can't change and that they don't deserve a second chance. But 9 times out of 10, a cheater will just cheat again. Because whatever convinced them to gamble with the love they had in the first place is clearly stronger than any level of commitment out there, or just even plain common sense.

If you know that you're being cheated on, you need to love yourself enough to know that it's over when it's over. If you're sticking around because you're the victim of emotional abuse, you need to find the strength within you to pick yourself up and to walk away. Nobody has the power to make you feel less than you are, unless you give it to them. You deserve more than just being somebody's option. You deserve to be somebody's world. And you should never have to settle for anything less. You are beautiful, and you are worthy of love. Love in its purest form.

So please believe that. And whatever you do - don't waste the pretty.

The “Ick” Factor?

"Just a little bit stronger

Just a little bit wiser

Just a little less needy

And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit pretty

Just a little more aware

Just a little bit thinner

And maybe I'd get there..."

– Maria Mena, Just A Litte Bit

Why is it so hard to meet a decent guy these days? It’s not like they’re not out there, because they are. It’s just that they’re all already in a relationship, live a little far away or they’re simply just not interested. It’s a sad state of affairs indeed.

I have had my fair amount of crushes, and none of them have ever amounted to anything more than that unfortunately. I can’t tell you how many people have told me that I should just keep the faith, because I’m going to find somebody amazing.

You know what? Quite frankly, I’m tired of always being told that. That, and that I’m sweet and thoughtful and sincere. Where has that gotten me? Sweet and sincere simply doesn’t seem to cut it. I’m starting to think that they must be the least attractive qualities in a guy. Either that or people just don’t want to be treated well.

Just what exactly is it about me that keeps putting guys off? Am I not smart enough? Not wealthy enough? Not attractive enough? Is it the fact that I have high moral values and strong beliefs? Is it because I’m not easy?

I mean, let’s get something straight – I’m not looking for a one night stand or Mr Right Now. I’m not about to compromise my values for anyone. No, because I deserve to be more than just somebody’s option or flavour of the week.

Who knows? Maybe I just don’t have the “X” factor. Maybe it’s not even about what I’m lacking. Maybe it’s about what I do have.

And that appears to be the “ick” factor.