Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Think I’ll Be Brave

I think I'll be brave
Starting with you
But I'll fall away if you tell me to
I'd rather be wrong
Then hope that I'm right
- Tawgs Salter, Brave
It has been yet another busy week. Busy, but good. Just last week I was saying that I was confident that a change would come. Already I’m feeling considerably more positive about life in general, and now I’m starting to think that change might already be here.

I had another good weekend, which makes it two for two now. That has been a very rare occurrence over the past few months. I got to spend some more time with my new friend. I was really excited about the prospect of making a new friend – and one who actually lives close enough to hang out with. I just felt like we clicked instantly, and that doesn’t happen every day – at least not for me.

What started off as just a friendship, has quickly turned into attraction for me. I really like him – a lot. He’s a really awesome guy. Intelligent, mature and funny. Handsome too on top of that. I’ve been finding that the more time I spend with him, the more I want to be around him. I find myself thinking about him throughout the day, and I just want to get to know him even better.

I’ve read his blog, and I know there are certain things he’s looking for in a relationship. To be honest, it doesn’t differ all that much from what I want. I have no idea whether he is (or could even be) remotely interested in me in that way, but I would like to pursue a relationship with him. I think I could be really good to him and give him what he deserves – and I think he could be really good for me too.

As we all know though, I’m no stranger to a bruised ego. I don’t want to set my expectations too high. But at the same time I realise that I have to start putting myself out there – regardless of the obstacles and disappointments I might face along the way. I need to be brave, and start taking responsibility for my own happiness. I owe that to myself.

I’m hoping to take him on a proper date this weekend. Should I tell him how I feel? Should I rather say nothing and just see how it goes? These thoughts keep going around and around in my head, and I know there’s a part of myself that’ll try to talk me out of it before Sunday.

But what if there’s a possibility that he’s feeling something too? Shouldn’t I show my true feelings before his interest fades? The window of opportunity is usually only that big. And we are rarely afforded second chances in life. Even if the feeling’s not mutual, I have made a great new friend at the very least. One that I hope will be around for a lifetime, and not just a season.

Let’s face it – I have no idea where this could go. But it’s time to starting being brave. And I think I’ll start with him.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A Change Is Gonna Come

It has been quite a while since my last entry. I guess there could be quite a number of reasons for that. The past couple of weeks have been really busy. I haven't really had much to say, and precious little seemed to interest me really. To be quite honest, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut lately. And I just didn't know what to do about it.

Easter holidays are just a month away. My parents invited me to go away with them for a couple of days. I have been hesitant in accepting, because I didn't know if I could spend 9 days with them at this point. I've been finding it harder and harder to spend time with them, and I know it's due to my own hang ups.  It kills me that I can't be my true self around them. I don't want to keep secrets from them. And yet I know that the timing just isn't quite right yet - you definitely don't break "earth shattering" news to your family over the holidays.

The past weekend was actually a pretty good one. In fact, it's the best I've had in quite a while. I went out with a new friend, and I had a great time. I think for the first time I got a taste of what life could be like once I'm free to be unashamedly myself. And I liked it.

So I've decided that I will in fact take my parents up on their offer. The way I see it, we may as well try and have one last good holiday before it all possibly goes south. Although I won't be breaking the news to them during our holiday, I plan on doing so shortly after our return. There's no point in putting off the inevitable any longer. The longer I wait, the bigger the chance of getting caught up in a web of lies and deceit. That's the last thing I want. And until I'm out to my parents, I will never be able to live a full life.

It looks like things may finally be starting to move along. I don't know exactly what to expect, but I'm going to try and be cautiously optimistic about the future. They say that change is the only constant in life. There's probably precious little other that you can do than embrace it.

So here I am at the beginning of a new week - ready to open my arms and embrace new possibilities. Content in the moment, and confident in the fact that at some point a change is gonna come.