Unrequited

“Everyone thinks that I have it all.

But it's so empty living behind these castle walls.

If I should tumble. If I should fall.

Would anyone hear me screaming behind these caste walls?

There's no one here at all behind these castle walls.”

- T.I. ft Christina Aguilera, Castle Walls

The past week - and weekend especially - has probably been one of the loneliest I've experienced in quite some time. Aside from my chats with Mr One-Four-Five, it's been really quiet in the evenings. I know I've said it before, but I'm really thankful for his presence in my life right now. He's seen my light and a little of my dark, and he's still here - that's pretty amazing. I really wish we lived a little closer to each other. Hopefully we’ll get to meet in person sometime this year.

When it comes to loneliness, it doesn't really matter what you do - you can't escape it. You can go to a mall and be surrounded by hundreds of people, and still feel like the sole person out there. I don't think I've felt anything like this since those two horrid nights back in October. To make it even worse, I’m an emotional eater. So there’s been binging aplenty. It really scares me to think that I’ve started to let myself go again, when I said I would never allow it to happen again.

You're probably wondering why I don't just call up a friend, right? Well, I don't have that many close friends to begin with. I've tried my darnedest to make some friends ever since moving to the city. But finding yourself a spot in an already established circle of friends is easier said than done. I always seem to be the one who has to initiate everything - whether it be a trip to the movies, dinner or just a night in. For some reason I always end up being an "option" or a "last resort". And I've just grown tired of it.

I'm on the verge of having to shatter my parents' world, and I'm realising I might not have all that great of a support network after all. At least not a tangible one. When it comes to friendship and love, mine seems to remain unrequited. Wow, that would actually be a pretty good title for my biography one day "Unrequited - A True Story". Don’t you think?

I don't even really want to get into the subject of love. I guess I just thought things would be different now that I was finally comfortable with my sexuality and now that I know what I want. But it's still every bit as hard as it used to be. Maybe I simply set my hopes too high - common denominator etc. It's not really like I have all that much say in the matter - at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants.

Come what may though, I know I can't afford to throw in the towel. Because if I do, I'll just be one more lonely person who gave up the fight.