4 Months

“Our lives are made

In these small hours.

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate.

Time falls away.

But these small hours,

These little wonders still remain.”

– Rob Thomas, Little Wonders

Today it’s been exactly 4 months since I first came out. While not too much has changed in this time, it hasn’t been a completely uneventful period either.

I finally had my first kiss. I was caught completely off guard, and it came from the last place I would probably ever have expected. But you know what? It felt good. And it felt right. Even though it was just a kiss - one that could never lead to anything more - I will always cherish that memory. Because in that moment there was no longer any doubt in my mind about my sexuality.

I’ve now come out to 5 of my close friends, as well as a number of friends in my online community. I was initially very hesitant in opening up to anyone, but I’m glad that I have. The love and support of these friends has been overwhelming so far. Nobody should have to carry their burdens alone, and I for one am glad that at least part of the weight has already been lifted from my shoulders.

I’ve come to the realization that there will never be a good time to break the news to my family. No matter how, where or when I tell them - they will be devastated. And that is something I will probably have to make peace with. I still don’t feel any more prepared to face them than I did 4 months ago. All I know is that the moment of truth is drawing ever closer, and it still scares the living daylights out of me.

I’ve started chatting to the most amazing guy I have probably ever had the pleasure of conversing with. But you already know all about Mr One-Four-Five, don’t you? Everything aside from the fact that I fell for him within 2 weeks. Yes, headlessly and recklessly. For once in my life I didn’t want to over think things - and being the naïve (?) and hopeless romantic I am, I decided to tell him. Only to find that he didn’t feel quite the same way. Maybe I jumped the gun on that one. I know I can’t help but wonder if something could have developed if I had only given it more time. Be that as it may, I’m extremely thankful that he was honest with me and that my little revelation didn’t mean the end of our friendship. Which is further proof of just what an amazing guy he is. I’ve come to care for him a great deal, and I just feel really blessed for his presence in my life right now.

Four months ago I was pretty sure that my world was about to come crashing down on me. Since then I’ve had good days and bad days, and occasionally, the really bad day. And yet here I am. Still sober. Still breathing. Still somehow okay.

Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a place for me in this weird and wonderful world after all.