I was raised to be a good man in a storm, raised to love my country, love my family and protect the things I love. When my father... Colonel Daniel Robbins of the United States Marine Corps, heard that I was a lesbian, he said he only had one question. I was prepared for "How fast can you get the hell out of my house?" But instead... It was... "Are you still who I raised you to be?"
– Arizona Robbins (from Grey’s Anatomy)
If you were to ask me what my single biggest fear as a gay man is, I would have to say that it would be my parents’ reaction the day that I sit them down and tell them that I am gay.
I grew up in a small town and a community that was – and still is to some degree – very conservative. Don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely grateful that I was raised in such a sheltered environment, and also spared many of the pitfalls that other kids had to deal with. Unfortunately, growing up like that also comes at a price – even if you only pay it much later in life.
You see, homosexuality isn’t a subject that was ever really addressed in my hometown. Simply because there were no gay or lesbian couples in town – at least not that anybody knew of. In fact, it wasn’t until I hit my twenties that the first openly gay couple moved into town. As was to be expected, reactions to this development varied from delight to utter disgust.
There’s no denying that my parents grew up in a completely different era than I did – one that was even more conservative and sheltered in many ways. A time when misconceptions about homosexuality were still rife – or at least even more rife than they are these day. It should therefore come as no surprise that my parents seem to associate the words “gay” and “lesbian” with everything that is wrong in this world. Those words seem to conjure up precious little more than thoughts of drugs, casual sex and AIDS. This is of course completely unfair, because let’s face it – that is nothing more than stereotyping. And besides, those things are just as rife in heterosexual circles.
I am far from perfect – maybe the farthest thing from. But I like to think that I have made mostly good choices in my life up till now. I decided at an early age that cigarettes and alcohol were simply not for me. I of course have no objection to anybody else using either of the two – but for me it was just never going to be an option. I’ve never done drugs. I don’t engage in casual sex. And I’m not reckless when it comes to working with money. I’m not saying that I’ve never disappointed my parents, but all in all they’ve had a pretty smooth ride in comparison to other parents out there.
Being an only child, I grew up to be incredibly close to my parents. They have done so much for me, and sacrificed so much for me to be where I am today. I love them dearly, and I have tried to live the type of life that not only I could be proud of – but one that would make them proud as well. I would sacrifice my own happiness to spare them any hurt or pain. But if I were to continue to do so, I also know that I’ll never truly be alive – I’ll merely be an empty shell going through the motions.
They say that a parent’s love for his/her child is unconditional, and I want nothing more than to believe that. Yet when I see my parents' reaction to the gay and lesbian community in general, I can’t help but be doubtful that they’d be able to accept me for who I am. I can deal with a lot of things in life. I could probably learn to deal with losing all my friends. But the thought of losing my parents is simply unbearable.
So how do I overcome this seemingly insurmountable obstacle? I don’t know. The only thing that is certain is that the day will come where I will have to face the music. Until that day however, I guess this blog is as good a place as any to express that which I only hope I will have the courage and conviction to say when the time is right.
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