The White Elephant

“Take me. This is all that I've got. This is all that I'm not. All that I'll ever be.”

– Allison Iraheta, Scars

After much deliberation I finally came to the conclusion that if this blog is to have any meaning and serve its purpose, it is important that I first address the white elephant in the room. You're all familiar with the white elephant, right? That one subject that everybody treads around ever so carefully? The one that is rarely brought up, and yet is always at the back of everybody's mind? In my case, the subject of my sexuality.

After years of battling it with every fiber of my being, I can no longer deny that which I guess I always knew to some degree - I am gay.

It took me about 20 years to finally admit it to myself. And when I finally did - boy, it hit me ... hard! I spent two nights on my bedroom floor, feeling like I couldn't breathe. Crying until I had no tears left. The guilt and self hatred was simply overwhelming. All I could see was that my "perfect little world" was about to come apart at the seams.

I realized that I couldn't spend another night in agony - I had to tell someone. So I mustered every ounce of confidence I had and got in touch with a friend on Twitter. There I was, opening up to someone I had barely known a couple of months. Heck, we'd never even met in person. I really thought he might be freaked out. Instead I was overwhelmed with love and support. There's no two ways about it, my friend - you were a godsend.

Three more of my tweeps had picked up on the fact that something was wrong, and sent me messages to ensure that I was OK. I decided to confide in them too, and I'm very glad that I did. Together the 4 of you each provided me with your unique point of view while also allowing me a little glimpse into your own world. Though I have thanked all of you individually, I don't think you will ever fully grasp just how much your support has meant to me - and how much it still does. I had hit rock bottom, and you guys pulled me out from the depths of despair. You saved me from myself. And for that you have my eternal gratitude.

I know that admitting to myself that I am gay is only the first step on a road that is sure to be long and winding. I have yet to tell my family and close friends. Saying that I'm scared is probably an understatement, because I am in fact terrified of losing that which I hold most dear to my heart.

Although it is highly unlikely that any of my family or close friends will ever read this blog, it would be naïve of me to think that they could never stumble upon it. So if you are reading this before I’ve had the opportunity to sit you down and tell you myself – I am sorry. But know that I love you more than you will ever know, and that I had my reasons for waiting to tell you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause you any hurt, pain or disappointment. And in every decision I have made I’ve tried to protect you and always keep your best interest in mind. I hope that in time you will be able to understand and that you will be able to love me for me.

To anyone out there to whom I’ve ever denied being gay when questioned – please know that I was not lying to you. At the time I still believed with religious conviction that I was straight. You clearly knew better – and now I do too.

As I bring this entry to a close, I’m sitting here with my hands shaking as I type. I don’t know what comes next. All I know is that this is me. This is all I’ll ever be.